Manly Men Don't Cry.

      I'm not entirely sure how this works, to be honest. Openers, I mean. I've never had a blog before. I've managed a friend's for him once, when he had no Internet. I'm sure the reason is because I've been opposed to the idea, because I'm just not one to be open about my feelings.

I guess things change?

      Really, it's only the recent events in my life that have shown me I need to find somewhere to pour my heart out when the ears of someone aren't available. I guess this will just be for me to calm myself or something like that, because that seems to be the trend with blogs now; blogs are some place to pour out your heart so you can actually think clearly for a few hours.

      And it's now that I'm starting the second paragraph of this section that I am realizing that, like every other site, the tab button still does not indent the paragraph. Fuck. Well, there goes the second paragraph.

You're probably wondering how this has to do with the title, huh?

Well shut up, I'm getting to it.

      For now, let's talk about stupid things, because pouring my heart out isn't going to just happen. Nooooo, you have to earn that. Because manly men don't cry. Not that I'm at all a manly man. Sure, I'm your typical level of masculinity, if not a bit less because I hate gender role and such. I suppose now is a good time to admit that I'm not quite straight, but I have no fucking clue what I am. I don't care for labels in this respect anyway, so why bother? 

Aaaaand the title.

      I've always been the kind of guy who likes to keep his emotions hidden, and goof around with friends. Me and my best friend get along all the time and can have very heartfelt conversations, because we're so close. That doesn't change the fact that I always try to hide my feelings from everyone else. Hell, my girlfriend even doesn't get to see my feelings a lot, and I'm sure it aggravates the shit out of her. Sorry everyone. Basically, my entire life, I have grown to believe that if you cry, you're weird.

      Maybe I just got the wrong impression from the schoolyard banter, or maybe it was the looks my "friends" gave me when I cried after a fight. Now that I think about it, that happened a lot. After almost every fight, I'd cry. Fuck you, puberty.
      The last time I cried, and this is not counting any time within the past year and whatever, was... Sophomore year, in high school. It was shortly after I had moved, when I had finally begun to get set in with my new friends. Then me and my best friend ended up is a massive schism that put us at odds with each other for months, before we magically began to talk to one another. It was during that time, when i felt as though everyone I cared for had abandoned me, that I cried. After that, I had never cried again. That is, until a couple of weeks before my current relationship, and a situation I shall not explain twice. Sorry, I just explained it.
      Since then, thanks to a few rather unkind words from someone I would rather not talk about, I have made attempts to be open. And open I have not been, by any normal standard of the term. Only a year ago did I let myself become attached to someone to the point that they're now my life. I'm 18, so I suppose that's a normal time to start this. I've grown so attached to this person that I'm hating myself for everything that I've done up until now, because I realize that I've still been acting like a complete dick. Well, I am one. I'm a complete and total asshole, and I have the Internet myself to thank.
      Only it's grown completely out of hand. I've become such a dick that my passive-aggressive tendencies which I've done great to keep in check, almost tore my relationship apart a few days ago. For the few days since then, sleep was impossible, feeling good was a matter of whether or not I could get a few minutes on the phone or not, and I wallowed in misery.

Go cry, Emo kid.

      Exactly. That's exactly what I told myself. And do you know what I did? I cried, and I cried for quite a while. Well, not that anyone could see that I cried, I did my best to avoid showing anyone. Except for today. Today, I cried in front of her, because I couldn't help myself. And as bad as it sounds, that's the only thing that saved my relationship. I suppose that's a good thing, because I was actually showing feeling for once. If anyone could tell you how apathetic I act, it's her and my best friend, but meh. So I suppose that's that, right? No. Now I have an even harder and ultimately life changing road ahead. I have to prove to her - and ultimately myself - that I can be more than just an asshole. I have to prove to myself that I can actually do sometime right in a relationship, and make this work.

      As a final note, thank whoever designed this composing page, because that automatic save feature saved me twice here. Peace.